I'm no good with farewells

Today was my last AmeriCorps member meeting. I got to hug, laugh, and share some moments with my members. Y'all, I bawled my eyes out like you have never seen (unless you've seen me cry, it ain't pretty). It was such a surreal moment to stand before my members who have become my family, and let them go. I will always hold them in my heart but my gosh, I really felt like I was setting them free. Mind you, these members range from the age of 18-34 and we have one 70 year old. Love them to pieces! 

This was also exceptionally hard because it has made MY move sooo much more real. I am moving!!!! I have signed the papers!! In August, I will once again be leaving my beloved Northwest Arkansas. For someone who doesn't like change, I sure am one to jump on the wagon once it comes. I don't have the words to express how much I have loved my incredible job or living with my family. I'm a momma's girl and daddy's girl so leaving them (again) makes me so sad. The good thing is that I'm only 4 hours away and I get summers off. So mom and dad, y'all aren't getting rid of me just yet ;). I'm in tears as I write this because I am closing a wonderful (and incredibly challenging) chapter in my book. These last 3 years I have: graduated from college (BYUI!), had a baby, survived a devastating heartbreak, started over, and worked this fantastic job all while being surrounded by so much love. Time really does heal all wounds, even when it doesn't really give us a choice because moving on is the best thing. I'm stronger, wiser, and more in control of who I am and who I want to become. Quarter life crisis hasn't been a complete sham!

I am a lucky girl. 

Living on a Prayer

You guys know that guitar hero song by Bonjovi "Living on a Prayer," right? I think that's going to be my next wedding song, you know, if I decide to ever get married (again). I'm halfway there (the making it part, not the marriage part). In less than 3 months I will be on my own with little MBH, living in Rock City, and hopefully enjoying the heck out of grad school.

I think the best way to gain some character points is by doing something that completely challenges us mentally, physically, and emotionally. My anxiety is developing anxiety just thinking about this move. Yet, there is part of me that can't wait to start that adventure so I can take a deep breath, exhale, and remind my anxiety-Ruby that everything is under control. Life is too short my friends. Go do something completely out of the ordinary! I want to know that I really lived my life. I'm tired of living in the shadows, afraid to step foot out of the darkness because my nightlight is broken. 

**Also, my music ladies... I need a smashing Father's Day song for Father's Day (I'm no good with words today, obviously). I have one picked out but I want something more va-va-voom.

Dear Max

My Dear Sweet Maxfield,

You are growing like a weed. You are 4 years old now and so proud to be a big boy. Every time I see you, my heart feels as if it is about to burst. This love is invigorating and terrifying all at the same time. Do you know that I love you so much? Do you know that I kiss your sweet cheeks while you nap? Do you know that sometimes I pray so hard, harder than I've ever prayed for your future? I fervently hope that you will not have to endure pains of any kind, but if you do, I pray that you will learn to overcome them. I hope that when you're tempted to follow the crowd, that you will be strong enough to stand your ground and walk away. 

You're much more independent these days. You choose your outfits, the food you want me to cook for you, and you have chosen music (we are working on the soccer). It warms my heart to know that perhaps I have given you that love for music. You like to dance, piddle paddle on the piano, and most of all, sing your little heart out during singing time at church. You are not afraid to do it. The other day your cousin Xander was crying and you started to sing "I am a Child of God" to him so he would quiet down. That is a song I want you to remember throughout your life. I want to become familiar with this loving, kind, and merciful God. You already like to pray (it's more like mediating at this point) but that is good. Meditation and prayer are good for the soul.

I know I'm a little quirky and unorthodox (being a little nerdy and weird is okay in my book). You have tried more exotic food in your short 4 years than most people do in their life time. I am proud of you, all 4 years of it. You survived the toughest years. Now you can communicate and go potty. That's a big deal for me. I am your biggest fan. The joy I feel as your mother is something I would have never known. I can't wait to see you grow up except for now, do me a favor?? Don't grow up so fast. I love that you hug and kiss me and sometimes stroke my face in a gentle manner. I see how much you love me in your dark chocolate eyes and my heart leaps. 

Today I love you more so than the day you were born because as I've learned to serve you, I have come to understand true love. I LOVE YOU MBH!

Mommy

Men+ Anxiety

Today, I choose to be happy for an ex that just got engaged.
I won't let it get to me.
It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
I didn't want to marry him.

Today, I choose to be happy with me and my surroundings.

But seriously, how did that happen??

Mother's Day: Dia de las Madres

I remember a day, not so long ago, when you were afraid of becoming a mother

You were young, inexperienced, and unsure of what was to come

Yet, you did what many could not do, you brought me into this world

You chose to give me life

I thank you for it

You taught me right from wrong, sometimes you believed yourself too harsh

but really, you weren't.

You were not raised in a home filled with love.

Yet, you raised us with a fierce and loyal love, one I am starting to understand

You chose to love freely

I thank you for it.

You held me when I cried, you wiped away my tears.

My scrapes were always kissed, my bruises always cared for

Your kindness and service is ingrained in my head and heart forever

I thank you for it.

You prepared me for the world, I grew up before we both knew it

The drive to college was harder than I would admit

I knew I would miss you terribly, and I didn't want to be that far from home.

You answered the daily phone calls and hid the tears.

Never once did I hear your silent tears as you listened to my mundane college life

You loved me so much, you set me free.

I thank you for it.

Now, I am a mother with a small one of my own.

Did I look at you the way he looks at me?

Did I run into your arms to protect me from the world?

Did you listen to me as 40 billion questions a day with patience?

I know you did.

I know you did.

I thank you for it.

You are 

strong

beautiful

driven 

Your encouragement and belief in me is awe-inspiring

When many thought I would fail, you cheered me on.

The world needs more Mamis like you

You raised me with spunk.

I thank you for it.

You are

courageous

fierce

powerful

I wouldn't trade you for any other person in the world.

I was given to you and you were perfect for me.

A match made in Heaven.

I love you.

I honor you.

Mi querida Mama, la mas linda de todo el mundo. 

Eres una estrella llena de luz para tu familia. 

Te amo.

It's All a Little Much

My facebook/twitter/instagram have been taken over by these people who think they understand humanity. They post ridiculous pictures, share comments and ideas that the entire world can read... Only to find out in the near future that they're wrong. **Or so I hope they find out.** My liberal-ness took on a whole new meaning during the recent marriage equality debates. I got some angry phone calls, yelled at, and suddenly was considered the enemy.

The fact of the matter is that I am a Democrat. I am a liberal. This is the way that I am and it has been through a series of fortunate and UNfortunate events that I can share this all with you. Do I vote according to party? No. It's impossible to do that when you're in a county as "red" as mine.

I'm a Feminist. I also love to dress up, wear makeup, and do my hair. You can be a feminist and not be butch. It's possible. I believe in creating equal opportunities for men and women. I believe in equal pay for equal work. I believe women should be able to decide for themselves what they need to do with their bodies. I, for one, do not want a man telling me how to dress, eat, sleep, and especially how to treat for my body that he will never understand.

I'm Mormon. I fell in love with the story of Joseph Smith in the grove. I enjoy reading the Book of Mormon and the Bible. FOR FUN. There are some things that I ignore because they're too painful to dwell on. I DO NOT buy the excuse that sometimes our men were men of their time and did things according to those days. I think it's time we came out of the closet and said "hey! we were wrong. sorry." I can believe that the gospel is true and disagree with some principles. How? Well, I have free agency. That means I was given enough intellect to pray about things to figure out if they are true or not. If it rings true to me, I do it. If it doesn't, I do not do it.

Mormon Feminist Liberal Minority. I'm all wrapped up into this confusing and thrilling ball. Part of life is stepping out of the fairytale world and realizing that life isn't just about me. It includes my entire human race and people from all walks of life. Just because my way of life isn't like theirs doesn't make their ways wrongs. It just means we are different. I'm tired of reading all these attacks from all sides. We are ONE RACE: HUMAN. We have a shared responsibility to take care of each other and make this world a better place for future generations. Let's live it. Let's love.

I had Bacon ice cream for lunch

Today I had a great lunch experience with a fabulous (and very handsome) man where we discussed our lives. He is a friend who is not only easy on the eyes but also great to bounce ideas off of. He's compassionate (and those eyeeesss) and has a sense of self that I find refreshing and can definitely appreciate. As we discussed our grown up lives, his dreams of the future, my fears of moving, I couldn't help but feel at home. Lately, I look for those people that bring me warmth, comfort, and ease. Even as I stuffed my face with deliciously homegrown food and knew I looked a mess, I felt at ease. Things learned on this snowy/rainy/icy May day?? Eat lunch with a handsome and intelligent man every once in a while, just for the experience.

This is the bacon/brittle ice cream. Probably the best dessert I've had in a while, hands down.